14 April 2000, 871 words
Newspapers often have pre-written obituaries ready in case prominent people in society die suddenly. I thought some of these citizens might be interested in knowing what will be written about them when they have shuffled off this mortal coil (you know, just in case an Afterlife doesn't exist). These obituaries are, of necessity, truncated but the persons named can rest assured that they will receive a full column length once they kick the bucket and cannot sue. But even this version wasn't printed in the newspaper.
Ramesh Lawrence Maharaj: The sudden death of former Attorney General Ramesh Maharaj has plunged the nation's hair products into a deep decline. Sales of hair tonic, hair dye, combs and Brylcreem have dropped significantly. But this has not harmed the economy, since champagne sales have simultaneously gone up.
Mr. Maharaj was an enigma to all who knew him, with nobody being able to figure out how his shoulders always appeared level. Before becoming AG, he headed the Human Rights Bureau which did useful work, especially when it came to advertising Maharaj. After he became AG, the Bureau was disbanded - if one can apply that term to a one-man operation - with Mr. Maharaj making it his business to try and disband human rights along with it.
As AG, he oversaw the hanging of nine men in one weekend. Some people thought this revealed Maharaj to be a complete hypocrite, while others felt he was just bored with local theatre. What is known is that he was infinitely flexible - indeed, a visiting circus once offered him a retainer to be their lawyer and contortionist.
Mr. Maharaj's friends had no comment about his passing, mainly because nobody has admitted to being his friend. He was buried in a designer coffin, shaped like a corkscrew.
Pastor Winston Cuffie: The death of Pastor Cuffie came as no surprise, though some of his followers are acompletely astonished that he hasn't been resurrected. Cuffie had been ailing for some time, having become consumptive from inhaling gheri-curl fumes.
Cuffie was Trinidad and Tobago's best-known Christian fundamentalist. Although claiming to follow the Bible literally, he was able to ignore texts like Matthew 6:5-6 ("And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in street corners, that they may be seen of men") and 19:21 ("If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell what thou hast, and give to the poor").
After all, if Cuffie had followed these injunctions from Jesus, he would never have been able to build his $10 million 'Christ Castle'. So strong was his faith in God that he once applied for a licensed firearm, knowing that God helps those who help themselves.
Pastor Cuffie was certainly skilled at helping himself. In weekly newspaper advertisements, he claimed to do many good works, from miraculous healings to drug counseling. His greatest miracle, though, was to not be at all known for his Ministry's social work but to have enough money to live like the rich man whose camel would have found it impossible to go through the eye of a needle. This was why he often quoted Ephesians 2:8,9 ("For by grace are ye saved through faith, not of works") but never James 2: 24 ("Ye se how that by works a man is justified and not by faith alone.").
With his passing, Trinidad and Tobago has lost an icon who will be sorely missed by all Christians who think white cowboy boots are the height of fashion.
Carlos John: Insurance executive Carlos John died yesterday while having lunch. Reports say that John, late for a business meeting, was bolting his food and inflicted a fatal wound with his own lips. John is best known as the man who illegally paved several acres of the Queen's Park Savannah. He is also famous for having wasted over $64 million taxpayers' dollars on hosting the Ms Universe Pageant. John probably accomplished many other things in his life, but nobody remembers what they might have been.
Sat Maharaj: The passing of Maha Sabha Secretary-General Satnayrine has left a void into which fresh air has rapidly flowed. As leader of a religious organization and owner of a weekly newspaper, Mr. Maharaj did much to promote both Hinduism and scantily-clad women in erotic poses.
His death has had significant impact on his devotees. Maha Sabha and Play Whe public relations officer Devant Maharaj is reportedly desperately searching for someone to tell him what to think. Rajnie Ramlakhan attempted to commit suttee, but survived uninjured save for badly-charred skin. (Two weeks later, depressed at being continually called "dougla", she drank gramoxone.) Kamal Persad wrote that Maharaj not receiving a three-day official State funeral was proof of Christian, Black, Creole, and Muslim biases. As it turned out, however, Maharaj's cremation took three days anyway, since his skull took especially long to be reduced to ashes.
Several relatives are contesting Maharaj's will, with one woman claiming her newborn son is Maharaj's reincarnation. Several murtis are drinking milk, while others are reportedly lactose intolerant.
(More obituaries of prominent citizens next week.)
Copyright ©2000 Kevin Baldeosingh