April 21 2000, 823 words
This week I continue with some pre-written obituaries of prominent citizens. The details will be changed for the sake of accuracy when they actually pass away, but the following abbreviated versions will give them some idea of what will be said when they croak
Abu Bakr: The assassination of Yasn Abu Bakr, head of the Jamaat-al-Muslimeen, has left police investigors puzzled. "Who would want to waste bullets on Bakr?" asked one officer. "It's a sad day for metal," said another. Bakr had been shot twice in the head, but when his assassins realized this had no effect, they shot him in the thigh and left him to bleed to death. The police have several leads, but prefer to use these to tie the dogs.
Bakr was best-known for leading the 1990 attempted coup. Then, 114 members of the Jamaat invaded Parliament and TTT. The coup failed after six days, when the Jamaat members were overcome with a sudden craving for pork chops. Unbeknownst to them, the Army had camped upwind and were cooking stew and saying "Mmm". Bakr and the other coup leaders were thus forced to surrender.
Bakr, a former mounted policeman, converted to Islam after his horse kicked him in the head. After his failed coup attempt, he was never able to mount anything again, but married a fourth wife to pretend he could. The Jamaat became a collection agency, which collected debts for businessmen, votes for the UNC, and thong panties for persons unknown.
Morgan Job: Dr. Morgan Job died yesterday after battling a bad cold. Reports are that he sneezed suddenly and blew out his brains.
The intellectual legacy of Dr. Job will not soon be forgotten, since memorising the phrase "black fascist swine" does not require much effort. Dr. Job never relied on facts and logical argument, viewing these as inferior ways to prove a point. Something of a polymath, he instead made his case by being obnoxious, insulting and verbose. Continually badtalking black people for being socially irresponsible, he also managed to avoid repaying his student's loan for 20 years. Naturally, he became a politician.
As Minister of Tobago Affairs, he lectured primary schoolgirls about becoming jaggerbats. He also warned against promiscuity, about which he harboured an especial resentment since he had never had the chance to try it. He never learned to speak clearly, as this allowed him to claim that he was misquoted whenever he said anything especially fatuous.
He also enjoined people to "See God in every face, not race". By repeating this often enough, he hoped that someone would one day tell him he looked divine. This never happened, and he died a bitter man.
Ishwar Galbaransingh: Businessman Ish Galbaransingh has died suddenly in Los Angeles while undergoing surgery to remove a toe wart. The operation went horribly wrong, and Galbaransingh never left the hospital. His last words were, "A red whistle, with a string." His death comes mere weeks after the passing of colleague Steve Ferguson, who was bitten to death by his three Pekinese dogs.
In his will, Galbaransingh requested that he die as he had lived. A lavish State funeral has thus been planned. A well-known UNC supporter has been given the contract to build the coffin, which will reportedly cost six times as much as the same model built by an independent contractor. The undertaker, another party supporter, gave the assurance that Galbaransingh will look better dead than he ever did alive. He will be buried with a cigar, Scotch tape, and an untendered contract.
Basdeo Panday: The death of former Prime Minister Basdeo Panday from a heart attack has surprised and shocked many people, who all thought he would die from liver failure. Many of his supporters refuse to believe that Panday is dead, and are insisting that his body be brought back from Britain. The Maha Sabha has issued an official statement describing Panday's death as a racial plot. "A god cannot die and the Bhagavadgita teaches that death is only an illusion," said one Brahmin spokesman.
In response, the State has launched an official inquiry to ensure that it is indeed Basdeo Panday who has died. This has proven more difficult than anticipated. Official records show that as Opposition Leader Panday was all for freedom of speech, democracy and human rights. As Prime Minister, however, he tried to muzzle the media, passed laws to restrict public protests, and oversaw the hanging of nine men in one weekend. Rumours are rampant that the Panday who died yesterday was really an evil clone of the real Panday, who is still alive somewhere.
Most people, however, have accepted his passing. He will always be remembered as this country's first Prime Minister of East Indian descent, and for the perfect job he did in that post to confirm every negative stereotype about his ethnic group.
Copyright ©2000 Kevin Baldeosingh