29 December 2000, 819 words
New Year's resolutions are made in order that we might make an effort to eradicate our faults and weaknesses. For that reason, I very much doubt that Trinidad and Tobago's leading citizens ever make any, since they all seem to think they are as like to God as it is possible for mortal men to be. On the other hand since nearly all our leading citizens are great hypocrites, maybe they do make resolutions, but only the kind which they can follow. As follows:
The Political Leader - For 2001, I resolve to stop lying about reports I receive about contracts taken out on my enemies and letters about death threats from my Ministers. Instead, I resolve to hire somebody to receive such documents.I also resolve to stop lying about conversations I have had with Prime Ministers about expelled journalists, and with Presidents about expelled Senators. I will either not have such conversations, or make sure we both get our stories straight before I talk to the damn media.
I especially resolve to do exercises to improve my memory, so I will remember how I used to argue in defence of democratic principles, like the right to protest and freedom of speech and rule of law. I will also try to improve my diminishing vocabulary, so that I can re-learn words like "parasitic" and "oligarchy". This is in case I get thrown back into Opposition.
I also resolve to drink less rum, since red wine is better for the heart.
The Other Political Leader - For 2001, I resolve to stop speaking with an emphasis on every third word. I will also get rid of that breathy sigh at the end of every other sentence.
I will also stop making promises I have no intention of keeping. I will stop contradicting myself in the same sentence.
In order to do all this, I resolve to wire my mouth shut for the entire year. I also resolve to read a book this year. Maybe two, if the first one doesn't take too long.
The Financier - In this year 2001, I resolve to actually make tapes of conversations, unless such tapes show how much I does really lie. Maybe I should just resolve not to make tapes at all. If I doesn't, I resolve not to say that I did.
I also resolve to always speak with a spittoon in front me. I resolve to spit more, though, because is boot-licking that make me the success I am today. If needed, I resolve to speak with a plastic screen in front me.
The Financier/Minister - For 2001, I resolve to grow my facial hair in a non-geometrical fashion. I will also stop buying million-dollar vehicles, fame and calypsos about myself. For 2001.
I also resolve to get lips, so I may will have the necessary equipment to secure my Ministerial portfolio with the Prime Minister.
The Attorney-General: In 2001, I resolve not to hang anybody. It'll take till January 2002 to remove the constitutional barriers, anyway.
I also resolve not to tell the Chief Justice who he can send on vacation or instruct the Solicitor-General to give legal opinions in order to embarrass the President. Instead, I resolve to try and pass laws so I can be Chief Justice and Solicitor-General myself. I also resolve to get a few white hairs by next Christmas. Maybe.
The pastor - In this year of our Lord 2001, I resolve to obey Jesus's words in Matthew 6:6, "When thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret." I therefore also resolve to buy a secret camera and put it in my closet.
I also resolve to follow His advice in Matthew 19:21, "If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast and give to the poor." I will give away my cowboy boots and my blow-dryer to those who truly need it. I will even give away my electric shaver and all eight attachments to a hairy vagrant.
As for the multi-million-dollar church building with its foreign fittings and full air-conditioning, the luxury cars and the Italian suits - all these are owned by thy Ministry, O God, so I haveth them not and so cannot giveth them away. But these are devices to better spread Thy Word, and to this task I am always resolved, Heavenly Father.
The Hindu leader - In 2001, I resolve to stop publishing photos of half-naked women in erotic poses in order to finance aphan jhat politics. I shall publish them in normal poses instead. I also resolve to stop eradicating texts from the Hindu scriptures, and just choose those texts that justify aphan jhat.
Copyright ©2000 Kevin Baldeosingh