09 September 2000, 839 words
Let me make no bones about it. I am an extremely ambitious young man. I want to be admired, wealthy and never to go bald. For most of my life, I have assumed that I would some day raise myself above the crowd. Yet here I am, 37 years old, and, save for my naturally curly hair, I remain undistinguished. Where, I have been wondering, did I go wrong?
It's not to say that I haven't been trying. I have expanded my mind, honed my writing skills, developed a professional attitude, used the best shampoo.
Except for the shampoo, I now see that that was my big mistake. I look at the successful people around me, and my errors become blindingly obvious. It started from childhood. I used to play a lot, but I used to read even more. And my parents did nothing to correct this imbalance. Instead of reading, I should have been running. I should have been running very fast. The faster I had run, the more successful I would have become. But my parents and me foolishly spent thousands of dollars on books instead of on track shoes.
Had we invested in shoes, a gym pack and vitamins, I could have been a multi-millionaire at 25. Small children would know my name and, instead of buying it in the grocery, people would have been paying me to drink juice. True, my lips might have gotten really, really big. But that's a small price to pay for success.
Had I been smarter still, there were even better ways to spend my formative years. Instead of reading Shakespeare, I could have learnt ball control. That is a much faster method of attaining success. I should have learnt to kick balls, or hit them with a bat, or throw them through a hoop. Not only could I be earning millions now, but beautiful women would have been falling in love with me all the time. Women, you see, love men who can control their balls.
Speaking of women, though, I realize that many girls these days are growing up reading books. This is probably because the options listed above are not as readily available to females. Men hardly ever like women who can run fast, and they like women with good balls skills much too much. Women know this.
If you're a woman and you want to be a success, you'd be better off winning a beauty contest. But this is very hard work. You have to wear make-up. You have to brush your hair. You must pluck your eyebrows, shave your legs and both armpits. You must smile all the time.
And that is only the start. Beauty also comes from within. You must be poised, confident, and never fart. Every day look at yourself in the mirror for between 15 minutes to one hour and say, "I am beautiful, pretty and gorgeous. I do not have gas."
You must devote most of your thoughts to being beautiful. The rest of your thoughts must be devoted to making up answers to questions for the intelligence portion of the contest. Practise saying, "I would like to eradicate poverty and racism and make Trinidad and Tobago the paradise it truly can be" and "My greatest ambition in life is to be an exemplar to others and to teach young people that, with God's help, they can be anything they want to be."
If you can do this, and look beautiful, you will win a beauty contest. You will then be featured on the front pages of local newspapers and given free airline tickets. Moreover, even if you don't win, all the effort you have made to look pretty greatly increases your chances of getting a rich husband.
Suppose, however, you are not attractive, athletic, personable or even intelligent? Fear not. You can always become an executive member of the Maha Sabha. As such, you will get to write in the newspapers and have the Prime Minister speak - even sing - at your official functions.
Of course, this can only happen if you're a high-caste Hindu. If you are not, however, joining any ethnic/religious organization is still a good method of attaining success. You can, for example, join the Emancipation Support Committee. You will receive free money every year and be invited for discussions at the Prime Minister's office. You can even ask for laws allowing you to swear in court on a piece of iron without anybody laughing in your face. Obviously, only a really successful person would have such privileges.
Suppose, however, you want even more success than this: to not merely have the ear of government ministers, but to be the ear itself. Well, if you are already unintelligent, unattractive and unhealthy, that's 75 percent of the battle. You must then work very hard to become unethical and incompetent as well. Once you've achieved that, it'll only be a matter of time before you occupy the highest offices in the land.
Copyright ©2000 Kevin Baldeosingh