25 February 2000, 901 words
If you are planning to go into the wild, the Caribbean Forestry Conservation Association's expedition list is absolutely necessary. Without these items, it would be very difficult to survive in the wild, and entirely impossible to make a good cup of tea.
Nowadays, though, everywhere in Trinidad and Tobago is the wild. Especially Parliament, evangelical churches, Maha Sabha temples, and any place Basdeo Panday is having a political meeting. I feel, therefore, the CFCA should expand its list so every citizen knows what tools they need to survive. You see, in order for any creature to survive, it must be well-adapted to its environment. This is a fundamental law of nature, and the only real difference between a jungle and present-day Trinidad is that, in the former, male animals pee only within their territory.
What tools you need also depends on what kind of creature you are. If, for example, you are a woman in Trinidad, you will certainly need a chastity belt. This has three purposes. First, it can stop rapists. However, if the rapist is also a car thief, a chastity belt may only delay him. Second, you will get the approval of Catholic priests, Muslim imams, and Maha Sabha pundits, one of whose gods is presumably the real one and who will thus protect you.
The third function of the chastity belt is what used to be its first: to prevent sexual jealousy. In Trinidad, the chastity belt is thus actually a life-saving device. On the other hand, given that some Trini men get jealous if they think their woman is just looking at another man, there is really no guarantee. A woman would be well-advised to also wear an iron collar, not so the man can chain her up, but so that he can't chop her neck. She may also have to wear welding goggles, in case he tries to dig out her eyes, and an iron corset in case he tries to stab her, and a steel hat in case he tries to shoot her....In fact, the CFCA should just put "Suit of armour" on its list and done with that.
Which brings us to the Trini man. Some of the items you will require are already on the expedition list: cooking equipment, plate, mug, knife, fork and emergency rations. You need all this when your women kicks you out for being abusive, unemployed or just plain stupid. Men should pay particular attention to the items in the first-aid kit. Especially the Vaseline, which will come in useful when you go to jail for killing a woman over a ball-point pen. And that is all men, simple creatures, need.
On a more general issue, the CFCA also needs to change their Country Code, because that code clearly applies to some other country. Take Item #4: "Safeguard the water supplies". That assumes there is a water supply to safeguard. Or Item #10: "Obtain permission from land-owners before you walk or camp on private land." I hardly think we can expect ordinary citizens to follow such an injunction, when Anthony Sabga is free to flout Town and Country to construct an entire mall or Carlos John free to break the law - twice - to pave the Savannah.
Then there's Item #3, "Leave no litter", which, ironically, both evangelical Christians and Poison masqueraders find impossible to follow. As for Item # 7, "Make no unnecessary noise" - well, if we were to stick to that, 90 percent of soca singers would be out of a job. At least, though Item #10 is strictly followed: "Protect wild life, plants and trees." After all, Dhanraj Singh, Adesh Nanan and Reeza Mohammed are, respectively, still Government Ministers.
Similarly, there are items on the expedition list which come in useful in all circumstances. Map and compass, for example. This is very useful when roads are hidden by floods and you need to find your way home. The windproof jacket is also useful, especially in an election year. Ditto for toilet paper. The torch, spare bulb and batteries is a must, especially as TTEC continues buying current it doesn't need from INNCogen. Items like sleeping bags and pajamas, however, are only necessary for MPs in the Upper House and those who listen to them.
Soap, on the other hand, is probably the most important item one can have these days. That is because, between the Piarco expansion project, the Indian rice deal, the desalination contract, and the killing of Hansraj Sumairsingh, staying clean has become virtually a full-time job. And every responsible, ethical, non-racist citizen also needs boots, to kick out the UNC despots and kick up the PNM warahoons.
At the same time, I think the CFCA might consider removing some items from its expedition list. Not only would this lighten the load, it might even save lives. The cutlass is the first item that should go, since nowadays it is being used more often to cut off hands than grass. Rope should also be removed, since both suicidal men and Attorney General Ramesh Lawrence Maharaj want to use it so often. And the CFCA can certainly remove the notebook and pencil: as it is, too many people are already writing without thinking.
So don't procrastinate. Make up this kit today. Only then will you truly be prepared for life in Trinidad and Tobago.
Copyright ©2000 Kevin Baldeosingh