2 March 2001, 895 words
Stage 1 - Conception: In order to have a child, it is necessary to become pregnant, if you are female, or to impregnate, if you are a man, a real man. The timing and method of conception is very important. The true Trini child should never be conceived in bed in the missionary position in May, since this would be embarrassing to the child should anyone ever ask.
Near the stage in the middle of a Carnival fete doggie-style is most appropriate. Failing that, any time in late December is okay, since you are more likely to be drunk, if you're female, or spending too much money, if you're a man, a real man.Who you conceive with is also important. In the case of females, conception should be with someone you love or someone with money or someone you love for his money. In the event that you are not sure which of the three is the father, give the richest and stupidest one the benefit of the doubt.
In the case of males, just choose any fertile female who will let you impregnate them and afterwards say, "Wasn't me".
Stage 2 - Pregnancy: What you do while you are pregnant is very important to making your baby into a true Trini. Try to go to as many fetes as possible. If a stand collapses or you get stabbed or trodden underfoot, this will help teach your foetus that a good party is worth risking life and limb and miscarriages. Also, avoid pre- and post-natal exercise: a baby is a great excuse for that jiggly belly you already had anyway.
Stage 3 - Infancy: The true Trini parent does not let the birth of the child interfere with their liming. If you are going to Machel Montano's concert, you can carry the child in a pram. You're never too young to soca and, besides, hearing aids are improving all the time. If you are going to see the Jet Li double in Globe, just mix some puncheon into the child's formula: that way you can assured that the infant will not disturb your viewing pleasure.
Stage 4 - Toddler: As the child grows older, however, puncheon will lose its efficacy. You can either try cough medicine or a baby-sitter. The latter should be someone just a little older than the child, preferably a relative, so you will have to pay little or nothing. This will leave you with more money to buy your outfit for the fete at Mobs2 or comedy show at Spektakula, so that if your house burns down you will at least have some nice clothes on your back.
In the event that you cannot get cough medicine or a baby-sitter, try to get a step-parent for the child. Statistics show that a child is 40 to 100 times more likely to be abused or killed by a step-parent, which should certainly help make the child more disciplined (unless, of course, the child has a poor grasp of statistics).
Stage 5 - Puberty: This is when you child starts to develop sexual characteristics. For girls, these characteristics include pubic hair, breasts and sarcastic comments. Boys suddenly increase in body size and diminish in vocabulary. Both sexes are subject to all sorts of confused and powerful feelings, such as the urge to drink White Magic rum.
Should you talk to the child about these feelings? Only if you're drunk. In the case of girls, you will need to provide some basic guidelines. Tell her what to do when she starts to menstruate and how you go beat she tail if you see she liming with them rango boys like a lil ho. (If, however, the girl is Muslim or Hindu, you can instead threaten to marry her off to some old man since, if she gets pregnant, the shame she has brought on the family absolves you of all parental responsibility.)In the case of boys, you need provide no guidelines at all: they will learn what they need to know from their friends or blue movies.
Stage 6 - Adolescence: This is a period when your son or daughter will be trying to find themselves, usually at Club Coconuts or some other place where the idiocy quotient is off the scales. Boys will dress in odd clothes, following the precept that "Clothes make the man, a real man gets a girl's clothes off." Girls will dress so boys won't have to waste too much time accomplishing this. Both will speak in strange tongues, interjecting "like" after ever third word.
Education at this stage is especially important to the child's self-esteem. Teach it that God is a Trini. If the child asks then why are so many children getting killed by step-parents or in fires, explain that this is because of free will, or karma, or Allah's decree. If the child asks what kind of God would allow such things, give it licks.
Final stage Follow these simple guidelines and your child will grow into a true Trini man or woman who will treat their children exactly as you have treated them. Trini values will this be strengthened from generation to generation, until the only forms of communication will be wining, rag-waving and spanking.
Copyright ©2001 Kevin Baldeosingh