26 January 2001, 846 words
Introduction: Do you want an exciting and challenging career where you can set your own hours, earn good money, and wear a mask even when it's not Carnival? Then a life in crime is the answer for you!
Criminal types: Crime, like medicine, has many specialists. This is not to say that the general practitioner cannot earn a good living. Individuals who are versed in a variety of basic crimes - breaking and entering, cocaine-trafficking, murder, jaywalking - are the backbone of the profession. But specialisation allows greater profits for less work, and makes filling out your tax return much simpler.You need to consider very carefully, however, exactly what kind of criminal you wish to be. Your choice must be based on your particular attributes and/or limitations. It is unwise to become a cat burglar, for example, if you don't look good in a black body suit and whiskers make you sneeze.
If you want to specialise in armed robbery, you will almost certainly need at least one arm. Otherwise, it is almost impossible to point your gun. If, however, you have steady lips and a long tongue, you can still be quite successful in this career, as well as being very attractive to the dames.
Many people, however, are uncomfortable with guns. If you are such a person but still wish to commit armed robbery, you can always become a mugger instead. While not as glamorous as the other branches of the profession, mugging is good work with a steady income. The overhead is also quite low, basic requirements being a bandanna, a knife or cutlass, and a good knowledge of crockery.
It may be, however, that you are averse to the profession's physical side. Crime is generally a very athletic career, involving a lot of running, climbing and recovering from gunshot wounds. White-collar crime is the least dangerous branch of the profession, although the starched shirts can irritate sensitive skin. You must also bear in mind that judges rarely give offenders the maximum sentence and often even let them go on a bond which, as you may imagine, is very embarrassing for the accused and his family.
Despite these drawbacks, the aspiring criminal should bear in mind that white-collar crime is generally very profitable and is often a stepping-stone to bigger things, like paving roads or building airports.
Finally, there is the ultimate career in crime: that of ruthless murderer. This specialty is not suitable for people who faint at the sight of blood, or who have ruth. Murderers are the most respected type of criminal, and usually get good seats at the theatre. Most feared is the murderer who kills with his bare hands: those who murder with gloved hands are generally considered sissies.
The great drawback to this specialty, of course, is that one is liable to charged, convicted and sentenced to death at any moment. But if you truly have a deep desire to kill people and not be arrested, you can always become a doctor or the Attorney-General of a Third World nation.
Criminal Conduct: As in all other areas, the practice of crime is going rapidly downhill. This is no reflection on the individual criminal, but merely part of a wider social malaise.
Thanks to declining literacy, for example, bank robbers no longer pass a note to the teller. Instead, they rush into the bank, shout "Hold up!", take the money and run back out. They do not blow up the vault or make the bank manager give them the combination to the safe. Tradition counts for nothing these days.
What is the younger generation to do when faced with such poor exemplars? Already we see schoolchildren loitering on Friday evenings, instead of leaving this activity to trained professionals.
Despite this, there are some encouraging signs. It cannot be denied, for example, that a better class of criminal has begun to emerge in some areas. In the field of drugs, for example, one more and more sees young, middle-class persons being arrested and getting off on bonds, whereas poor people get several years hard labour. It is to be hoped that the former will put these formative experiences to bad use, while remaining well-spoken.
Better-dressed murderers have also been appearing lately, men who understand the need to be sartorial when killing other people. The attitude that, because one is a criminal, one need not be properly attired underlies much of the recent decline in standards.
Conclusion: Most encouraging of all, however, is the special attention the government are now paying to crime. The present administration has, through word and deed, given its official stamp of approval to criminals. Criminal tendencies can now be a stepping-stone to bigger and better things: political candidacy, State jobs, Government Ministries. In these posts, a person's criminal activities can affect, not merely a few persons, but the entire population. Truly, this is the time to choose a career in crime! Sign up now!
Copyright ©2001 Kevin Baldeosingh