16 February 2001, 847 words
Dear Ms. Kevin:
I am to be elected Speaker of the House of Representatives. Please
advise me on the fashion protocol for this august post.
R.G.
Dear R.G.-
The most important item of apparel for this position is, of course,
the horsehair wig. This is because the Speaker presides over a
Parliament with no power over the government, and he must therefore
look like a horse's ass. Your other items of apparel are a flowing
gown and a mace laid on its side while you are in the chair: all
which are very essential for reinforcing your image of impotence.
Dear Ms. Kevin:
I am planning to murder my wife and her children and then kill
myself. What should I wear?
Mr. Justin Dick
Dear Mr. Dick-
The rules of dress and etiquette for murdering one's spouse and
children vary, of course, according to how one intends to perform the
deed. As with all important social occasions, proper planning is
de rigueur.
If you are planning to use a gun, for example, you should test the weapon by placing it to your temple and pulling the trigger. If this does not work at first, keep trying until you get it right. If you are planning to use the traditional cutlass - always a good choice - test the edge first against your own throat. It is advisable to wear a polyester shirt, since the blood washes out more easily.
If you are planning to use gramoxone, the same procedure should be followed, but you should wear a formal suit with bib and diapers. This is because, after you finish vomiting and excreting, you will be immediately ready for burial. It is attention to such details that distinguish the sophisticated man from the <I>hoi polloi<I>.
Dear Ms. Kevin:
I have recently been elected Opposition Leader. Please advise me on
the appropriate wear for attending Parliament.
P.M.
Dear P.M.-
A pair of pajamas is the most suitable apparel for the nation's
highest forum. But it must be formal pajamas, with the little pocket,
lapels and cuffs. However, you may at times also have to address the
media and the public. This will require a three-piece suit since, as
you know, our citizens only respect leaders stupid enough to wear
jacket-and-tie in a tropical climate.
Dear Ms. Kevin-
I am a political scientist and I have been invited to appear on a
government TV station to discuss the present Constitutional impasse.
Please tell me what I should wear for this important discussion.
H. G.
Dear H.G.-
You can wear anything formal, once it is not the height of fashion.
Strive to attain the anal retentive look. Three-piece suits,
shirt-jacs, even long-sleeved shorts are entirely appropriate.
However, you must also try to look young and, what is more important,
look like you are trying to look young. This will give the necessary
impression of insincerity (crucial for one who claims to be an expert
on politicians).
One's hair-style, of course, plays a pivotal role in all this. You should dye your hair an incredible jet-black, the kind that only Chinese people have. Even if you are completely bald on top, you should still dye your fringe (leave a few white strands for credibility).
If, however, you are young enough to still have black hair, the necessary insincerity can be achieved by wearing a constant smile. Otherwise, a sly smile or a pompous smile should be worn. You can, of course, try wearing all three, but this requires what we in the fashion business call <I>panache<I> which, if you had it, would make you a politician instead of an oxymoron.
Dear Ms. Kevin-
I am a woman who has been invited to the Queen's Park Cricket Club.
Please advise me on the appropriate wear.
V. Baksh
Dear V. Baksh-
This will require considerable effort on your part. Since the QPCC is
an exclusively male domain, you should try to blend in. Wear an
outfit that displays your stomach hanging over your belt. Wear
colours that do not match. Try to grow hair in your ears.
In order to blend properly, however, behaviour is more crucial than haberdashery. Eat two pounds of beans before going to the club. This will allow you to fart at the requisite volume and odour. Remember to adjust your crotch every so often.
It is most important of all, however, to wear the correct expression. This should be arrogance underlain by sheer terror: especially when you look at women roaming the QPCC.
Dear Ms. Kevin:
I plan to announce a conspiracy to overthrow my Government. Please
advise me on what I should wear.
B. P.
Dear B. P.-
Such an announcement requires particular care in choosing one's
apparel. I would strongly advise you to wear a broad-brimmed black
hat with tassels, a black poncho, and a whip. You should also don a
forked tongue. (If this last item is not readily available, borrow
the Attorney-General's.)
Sincerely yours,
Ms. Kevin
Copyright ©2001 Kevin Baldeosingh