Material minds

15 August 2002, 798 words

I make my living through my intellect. It's a wonder I haven't starved to death yet.

Until a few weeks ago, I hadn't actually doubted my intelligence. But then I read about the Auditor General's report in the newspapers, and that age-old question just popped out at me: "If you so smart, how come you ain't rich?"

It's a pertinent point. I mean, here I am, a man who uses words like "pertinent" without breaking sweat, yet still I drive a PAT Galant in need of a body job. Vishnu Ramlogan, on the other hand, gets $100,000 performance bonuses from a company notable for its non-performance. I mean to say, if TIDCO were a woman, beggars might ride and the woman scream "Oh God!"

My point is, if being smart ensures that you will never be wealthy or powerful, how smart is it to be smart? The logical answer is, not very. And maybe if I weren't so logical, my wallet wouldn't always look like the cow it was made from had died of malnutrition. Truth is, if I was truly smart, I'd have never become a writer in the first place: or, at least, not the kind of writer I am. To quote the great Samuel Johnson: "No man but a blockhead ever wrote, except for money." And I bet he got paid top dollar for that sentence, too. Yet here I am, making quotes from Dr. Johnson instead of on the stock exchange. How dumb am I?

Not only was I stupid enough to become a writer, but I have further compounded my error by writing the way I do. My newspaper columns are either analytical or satirical, but that only pleases my readers, not the people who can pay me hefty sums.

The people who matter in this place don't want logic or wit or words of more than two syllables. They want clichés, preferably with illustrations. Were I to use my literary gifts to support hanging or corporal punishment or racial pride, I am sure I would by now have been appointed to some committee on crime or education or culture: and, as Louis L'amour would have said, there's gold in them thar hills.

After all, one company recently gave Professor Ramesh Deosaran $95,000 to study violence in schools. Given that this topic has already been explored exhaustively, and given that Deosaran is also earning $8520 a month for doing nothing as an Independent Senator, it is clear that I have missed the boat by actually reading and writing about the latest psychological research instead of, like Deosaran, recommending that youths read the Holy Books in order to prevent crime.

In fact, I am sure that my atheism has helped ensure that I will always be left sitting on the docks. I have argued that there are no logical or empirical reasons to believe in a Supreme Being. But is that really so?

Pastor Cuffie has $10 million reasons to believe in God. One Roman Catholic priest got $47,000 reasons from a dead parishioner to prove his faith. Even IRO head Noble Khan earns $8520 a month as an Independent Senator in a non-existent Parliament: manna from Heaven indeed! Clearly, these are religious leaders who believe in Woody Allen's dictum that "Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."

Me, I know as much or more about religion than anybody else in the country: and still I am as poor the proverbial church mouse. Hell, what am I saying? If I WERE a church mouse, I'd be more financially stable (unless, of course, I was a Presbyterian church mouse).

My satire merely adds insult to injury. If I did inspirational writing instead, I'm sure I'd get invited to address all kinds of community and religious groups. My fees would be quite unreasonable, but people are always willing to pay huge sums to hear how they are children of God and there's a Divine Plan for the world.

To compound my stupidity, I've never even treated politicians with the respect they don't deserve. Instead of developing the ability to belittle, I should have been developing my ability to b.s. That's where the b.b. (Big Bucks) are for a writer.

Well, I've learned my lesson. My writing hero is no longer VS Naipaul, but Lloyd Cartar. Because I've learned that, in this place, being a smart man doesn't make you wealthy but being a smartman does. So I've made up my mind to unmake my mind. First thing next week, I'm going to get a lobotomy. After that, I figure it'll just be a matter of months before I can afford a new car, diamond cufflinks, and all the jumbo pepper shrimp I can eat.