07 August 2003, 834 words
Many young people will soon be receiving their examination results and have already begun writing their job applications. As a person interested in helping the youths, I have for today's column drafted several application letters, which young job-seekers can use as a guide to what positions they should NOT apply for.
Dear Prime Minister:
I am applying for the job of National Security Minister. I believe I am well-qualified for this job because I throw a real good fete twice every weekend and never have cash in my wallet, just platinum credit cards. There have never been any violent incidents at any of my fetes, so that tells you how well I handle security. Also I look tough &endash; well, tougher than Lindsay Gillette &endash; and I have been hit by a bullet in the leg so I know what it's like to be in the line of fire.
Sincerely yours,
Howdy Do Dee
Dear Imam Don Druglord:
Salaam ah lie come, war you sayin dred! I application for a job as a drive-by shooter. I very call he fi to drive by an shoot. I have my lie sense and I could drive like d win. I teefin car since I 14. I could shoot gun an I no how to hole it sideways. But I doan want to be no car tief, it have no fyou tear in dat. I have ambitious, I want to be a drive-by shooter. I want dat to be my car ear. I could drive by peep ill house, I doan kyeh if it have baby or gyul chirrun, who tell dem live by people who diss you? You higher me, I always law yell to you.
Piece and respeck!
Mark "Deadbrain" Guerra
Dear Mr. Lok Jack:
I am applying for a post on one of the Vision 2020 sub-committees. Please find enclosed a report from my optometrist testifying to my perfect eyesight and ability to raise one eyebrow. I realise you have only hired people who know a lot about a little, but I do not know a lot about anything. However, I think this will be an asset, since I will not be trapped in old ways of thinking. In fact, I don't think much anyway. If you hire me, you will immediately fulfil part of your Vision Statement, since you will provide me with "opportunities to achieve his fullest potential". If you do not hire me, I will write an article in the newspapers saying you have betrayed your mission by preventing me from becoming - to quote again from your Vision Statement - united, resilient, productive, innovative, prosperous, disciplined, fun-loving, healthy, happy, educated, self-reliant, respectful, tolerant, equitable and &endash; well, I don't know the adjective for integrity but I don't think I need it to be on a committee.
Yours truly,
K.M. Who
Dear Dr. Sir:
I am applying to be a member of the Medical Practitioners of Trinidad and Tobago. I wish to work in the public hospitals when and how I choose, be subject to no disciplinary procedures, and to refer patients to my own private clinic. I also lack any bedside manner except arrogance, and have a moustache that looks sillier than Adolf Hitler's. In fact, now I think about it, I don't want to be just an MPATT member: I want to be on the Board (for a suitable fee, of course).
Mines truly,
Dr. Philip Oldcheese M.D.
Dear Madam Chairperson:
One wishes to submit one's application to be the Official Snob for the Queen's Hall Theatre. As your good self would note from the enclosed glossy 10X8 photo of one's profile, one would drown with great facility in a heavy shower, were one to venture out without a brolly. (But, of course, one would never do anything so gauche.) As one's beauteous prose style demonstrates, one is, to quote the press release about Red Carpet night for Carnival Messiah, "dripping of sophistication" and, like the samaan tree, "beautiful, old and fabulous" (not that one is old, save in the way of a fine wine [not that one ever wines in the Carnivalesque sense, of course]). As your goodly self would also see from one's resumè, one is absolutely unqualified in anything useful, which makes one even more suitable for this illustrious post.
Sincerely thine,
A.M. Puregold
Dear Archbishop Gilbert:
I am applying for the post of Catholic apologist. I believe that our Lord's Church is the fount of all Truth and has the best cathedrals. While I am highly educated, I do not always adhere to logic or evidence when making arguments, and never on Mondays. I also appreciate that misrepresenting the views of others or even the facts is often necessary in order to support the higher good of God's Church, but I don't do windows. I believe I can do an excellent job defending the Church, especially against people who continue to commit the Original Sin of seeking knowledge and a spicy guacamole dip.
Faithfully yours,
M. O' Callaghan
Copyright ©2003 Kevin Baldeosingh