14 August 2003, 824 words
This week I continue my previous column, demonstrating to young job-seekers how not to write a job application for jobs that they should not apply for.
Dear Justice De Bergerac:
I would like to apply for the position of personal Nose-Picker. Although this post has not been advertised, I am well aware that a great man such as yourself is far too busy to pick his own nose. Also, the demands of dignity make it inappropriate that one of your eminent eminence dig his own boogers. As to my qualifications, I have strong yet supple fingers, with nails that are neither too short nor too long. I am sure I can provide satisfactory service. I also trim nose hairs.
Respectfully yours,
Brown Knowles.
Dear Prime Minister:
I am applying for the post of Minister of Morality in your Government. I think that effective governance requires us to follow moral rules, like keeping abortion illegal, executing murderers, and outlawing low-rider jeans. Giving me this position would also save you millions of dollars since, once we teach people to obey God, you can shut down the Ministries of National Security, Social Affairs, and Education. We would also be able to do away with the Integrity Commission, because a moral administration like your own has no need for Integrity.
Yours faithfully,
W. Cuffie
Dear Mr. Panday:
I am applying for the post of Opposition Leader, which I understand you will be vacating as soon as you drop dead. I think I can do this job because I am opposed to everything, including PNM nepotism, PNM racism, and VAT on rum. I am also a back expert, specialising in climbing workers', scratching financiers', and stabbing everybody's.
Yours sincerely,
Singh Rumtillidie
Dear Professor Ryan:
I would like you to use your influential influence to have me appointed Official Arts Critic for the Republic of Trinidad and Tobago. I am almost a PhD and know many large words, like "ontology", "hermeneutics", and "antidisestablishmentarianism". I am also quite versed &endash; please note the appropriateness of my metaphor - at ad hominem attacks and other Latin phrases. Moreover, since I am black and a woman (or, to use the technical term, a Black Woman) no one can refute my critiques without being racist and sexist.
Sincerely thine,
M. O. Maxill
Dear Reverend Bess:
I am applying for the position of Official Homophobe with your organisation. I am a man, a real man. The idea of two men having sex is so repulsive to me that I know if we give these perverts full human rights everybody will become homosexual and the human race will become extinct. Also, the Bible clearly says in Leviticus 20:13,14 that homosexuality is a grave sin, which means that the sinner should be put in a grave. Since God's Word doesn't change and a True Believer cannot pick and choose what to obey, I am also willing to carry out God's commands to kill those persons who commit adultery (Leviticus 20:10), fornication (Deuteronomy 22:21) blasphemy (Leviticus 24:15) and working on the Sabbath (Exodus 35:2).
Faithfully yours,
Bullet
Dear Mr. Maharaj:
I would like a job as an Indocentrist with your organisation. I believe that India is the root of all civilisations, including Upper Carapichaima. It was Indians who invented the zero, irrigation, and nose rings. Hindus have the most spirituous religion, as shown by the fact that we ban rum at our weddings and have to walk quite out to our cars to take a nip. I believe it is my dharma to show dem Creole that we is boss, for a good salary.
Om shanti yours,
Maharaj M. Maharaj
Dear Professor Cudjoe:
I would like a job as an Afrocentrist with your organisation and/or the Central Bank. I own many dashikis with matching fezs. Africa gave the world all its philosophy, languages, and science. So it is clearly racism which prevents young Black men from winning National Scholarships, forcing them into a life of crime. To fight racism, we should buy only from African-owned stores, have a quota to make Black people go university, and ban three-piece suits at all formal occasions. If you give me this job, I promise to dedicate myself to promoting all things African and to lime with many fair-skinned women to prove that Black is Beautiful.
Yours with clenched fist,
Toussaint
Dear Prime Minister:
The post of Fool is a long-standing tradition in the British political system, but we must follow Lloyd Best's advice and adapt what we have inherited to local needs. So I am hereby calling on you to create an official post of Damn Fool, which I will be happy to fill. My qualifications are an almost total ignorance about anything important, complete contempt for rational thought, and a large collection of butter. Please note that if you give me this job, you will have lots more time to perform your other duties.
Sincerely yours,
Ricardo W. Spartacus
Copyright ©2003 Kevin Baldeosingh