Irregular regulations

02 April 2004, 961 words

In Trinidad and Tobago, there is often a difference between the way things are supposed to be done and the way they actually are done. In an attempt to help the general public understand how our society works, I have drawn up the following regulations, which I suspect are the rules that Trinidadians actually adhere to.

Service Commission regulations:

1. Decisions must never be influenced by political considerations, unless a high-ranking politician says "Pretty please". If politician is of lower-rank, he must also say "With a cherry on top".
2. Decisions must never be influenced by political considerations, unless a high-ranking politician promises you a nice reward. (Under Regulations 40015, sub-section 742, "rewards" include free tickets to the Caribbean Comedy Festival, a bucket of KFC, or a pen that lights up when you press a button.)
3. Decisions must never be influenced by political considerations, unless a high-ranking politician issues a threat. (Under Regulations 90015, sub-section 2564, "threats" may include withdrawal of company vehicle, sending you a leftover Declaration of Assets Integrity Form, or demotion on the grounds of unruly hair.)
4. Do not take orders from high-ranking politicians that impact negatively on reprobates or incompetents. Instead, target persons who display ethics and professionalism. This is because the latter never get into positions of power, but the former almost always do.
5. If the court decides that a decision was political, issue a denial which confirms that the Commission never bends over backward to protect the rights of citizens but does bend over forward to cater to the whims of politicians.

Hotel regulations:

1. Be extremely nice to white foreigners.
2. Be very, very nice to local whites.
3. Be very nice to non-white foreigners who have gold credit cards.
4. Be nice to non-white locals who have platinum credit cards.
5. Be politely supercilious to non-white, middle-class guests.
6. Throw out working-class black persons who come for a conference sponsored by someone else.
7. If scandal breaks over throwing-out, apologise and pretend it was a misunderstanding.
8. If the aggrieved party produces correspondence proving that your apology is a lie, find a black employee above the rank of janitor and fire them.

Driving regulations:

1. Always drive with one hand on the steering-wheel and seat tilted way back. Being cool is more important than being safe.
2. Blast music so the driver in front would hear you coming, if he wasn't also playing his music at full volume.
3. Always drive above the speed limit, especially when you have children in the car.
4. In order to drive better, drink more alcohol.
5. Always wear your seatbelt, so it's other people who die when you crash.
6. When crashing, aim for the other side of the highway so it'll be a real surprise.
7. If you are the Prime Minister, have three different cars to break the speed limit and the law against dark tints.

Police regulations:

1. Serve and protect. Daily schedule for serving and protection as follows:-
   1. Rice, peas and stew chicken on Monday, with some hard slap for them young fellas from Morvant.
   2. Pelau and green salad on Tuesday, with threats for ex-girlfriend new man.
   3. Curry goat, chataigne, and buss-up-shot on Wednesday, with deadly flatulence for traffic offenders.
   4. Cow heel soup on Thursday, with arrests for rude school-children.
   5. Bhaji rice and stew pork on Friday, with some leather strap for confessing prisoners.
   6. Barbecue chicken, macaroni pie and rum on Saturday, with some baton for any mad people.
   7. Calalloo, bake chicken, potato salad on Sunday, with bullets for any poor black people behaving in a suspicious manner.
2. How to make arrests:-
   1. If perpetrator black and poor, beat up.
   2. If perpetrator black and poor and cussing, shoot.
   3. If perpetrator black and poor and mad, shoot.
   4. If perpetrator rich and not black, let go.
   5. If perpetrator rich and not black but armed, talk into surrender or else magistrate may charge you for murder.
3. Ensure that everyone obeys the law, except:-
   1. police officers.
   2. politicians from the party you support.
   3. rich persons willing to share their riches with you.
   4. Islamic thugs.
4. Never respond to crime reports in less than one hour, in order to ensure that the bandits are long gone and you are in no danger.

Religious regulations:

1. Reject logic, fact, and geera pork.
2. If Christian, say the Earth is 6,000 years old, and that geologists who say it's four billion years old are denying the Word of God.
3. If Hindu, say Hinduism is 10,000 years old, and that scholars who say it's less than 3,000 years old are lacking in cosmic knowledge.
4. If Muslim, say that yours is a religion of peace, and that people who say otherwise should have a fatwa put on them.
5. If a Christian evangelist, speak with an American accent. If a Hindu pundit, speak with an Indian accent. If a Muslim maulana, speak with a Pakistani accent.
6. Always preach tolerance: but not for homosexuals, liberals, and women who look delectable in low-rider jeans.

Parliament regulations:

1. When sleeping, make sure you don't snore, fall off your chair, or dribble.
2. Learn to use the term "Honourable Member" without irony.
3. If you are on the Government side, always talk about racial unity.
4. If you are on the Opposition side, always talk about racial discrimination.
5. If you are the Speaker or the Senate President, try to resemble a stuffed frog.
6. If you are staff, learn to hold laughter until tea break.
7. If you are MP, always talk for your full 75 minutes even if what you have to say takes only five.
8. Never scratch your bottom.

Copyright ©2004 Kevin Baldeosingh